Marriage and choosing a spouse for all the wrong reasons

Historically,   people have married for a variety of reasons: economic security, love, family expectations or friendship. But if you are facing a divorce and you want to delve into the reasons your marriage is not going to work the first step may be to reflect on the reasons you married in the first place. This exercise can be even more critical if you hope to remarry in the future and don’t want to repeat your mistakes.

Marriage mistakes- It may be yours not his or hers

According to Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D., author of “5 Reasons Not to Marry the One You Love,” there are a number of mistaken reasons that people decide to get married. And many couples facing divorce “have accepted the main reason their marriages may have failed has less to do with their marriage partner and more to do with the faulty reasoning behind the marriage itself.”

According to Marie Hartwell-Walker, marriage should be a union of two adults who share a “mature love, shared values and a commitment” rather than two adults trying to escape something or who are getting married for the wrong reasons. Marriage is difficult and it takes two healthy people who can love “deeply, unselfishly, and respectfully.”

So before you say “I Do” experts recommend that you sit down and evaluate what Kimberly Dawn Neumann says are important questions to ask before you get married.

1.      Is the timing for marriage right?

Some experts claim timing is everything. This can be especially true for couples. Before you say ‘I Do’ be honest with yourself about whether you have reached the stage in life where you are able to commit to the marriage 100%. This may mean you need to wait while the two of you finish school or find the right job. Do not give into peer or parental pressure and make sure you have seen your partner in a variety of different circumstances.

2.      Are you marrying a person or the dream?

It’s easy to fall in love with the idea of love. Expectations which are unrealistic or too high can lead to a life of disappointment. It was once said that a happily married woman or man was once a happy single person. Find happiness alone before you attempt to find happiness with another person. Consider also, if you expect your partner to meet all of your needs you will be sorely disappointed.

 3.      Is my potential spouse emotionally healthy?

Two unhealthy people who marry don’t suddenly make one healthy couple. Date a wide variety of people to get a good understanding of what you want in a spouse but make sure you find a partner who you love just the way they are. Don’t expect to change your partner.

4. Do you bring out the best in each other… or the worst?

Drama may be fun to watch on television but living with another person who is unhealthy or who does not support you and your dreams can get tiring day after day. Make sure your partner adds to your life rather than detracting from it.

5. Is fear of being alone your primary motivation to get married?

Fear of being alone should never be your primary motivation to get married. Remember, it’s better to be single for the right reasons than be with someone else for the wrong ones.